When to Invest in and When to Let Go of Friendships
When to Invest in and When to Let Go of Friendships
The tricky middle ground of adult friendship
Friendships can be some of the most meaningful connections in our lives. They can also be confusing, uneven, or quietly disappointing.
Maybe you are the one always initiating plans or offering support while the other person keeps things surface-level. Or maybe a new friend is eager for deeper connection, and you feel guilty for not wanting the same.
When a friendship starts to feel off balance, it helps to slow down and ask: What do I actually want from this relationship, and what am I communicating—directly or indirectly—about my needs?
When someone wants more from you
Sometimes, someone you like and enjoy wants more closeness than you are ready or able to give. Maybe you are stretched thin or simply feel the connection is not a fit. You might try to keep things polite, but that hesitation can still send mixed messages.
If you find yourself dodging invitations, saying “let’s get together soon” without following through, or feeling pressure you did not agree to, it is a sign to pause and clarify. You are allowed to protect your time and energy. A friendship does not have to deepen just because someone else wants it to.
When you want more from someone
On the other side of things, you might be the one longing for more connection. Maybe you are the first to reach out, or you notice that conversations feel one-sided. It is normal to hope the other person will eventually reciprocate, but if that hope starts turning into anxiety, resentment, or self-doubt, it may be time to step back.
A healthy friendship should leave you feeling grounded, not preoccupied. If you find yourself overanalyzing texts or trying to prove your value, it may not be the right place to invest.
Know your friendship values
Understanding your own values helps you decide which friendships are worth nurturing and which might need to fade. Ask yourself: what do I need to feel connected?
Here are a few common examples:
Consistency — showing up when it matters, not just when it’s convenient
Honesty — being direct instead of sugarcoating or avoiding hard topics
Reciprocity — giving and receiving support in balanced ways
Trust — feeling emotionally safe, not guarded or performative
Ease — spending time that feels restorative, not draining
Write down your top five friendship values and think about what each looks like in behavior. “Trust” might mean keeping confidences. “Consistency” might mean initiating contact sometimes, not just responding.
Communicate your needs (without turning it into a lecture)
You do not need to hand someone a list of your values. The best way to teach people how to treat you is to model what matters, encourage what works, and acknowledge when it happens.
Model it: Be reliable, respectful, and honest about what you can give.
Encourage it: Thank people for showing up or following through.
Reinforce it: Keep investing in the friendships that feel mutual.
You are always shaping your relationships through what you allow, what you reward, and what you stop chasing.
When to let go
Friendships naturally shift over time. Sometimes they fade quietly; other times, you have to consciously release them. If you find yourself continually disappointed, overgiving, or feeling unseen, it might be time to step back.
Letting go is not unkind. It is self-respect. It creates space for connections that fit who you are now, not who you used to be.
When to reinvest
If a friendship still feels aligned with your values but needs recalibration, start small. Reach out, clarify needs, or set clearer expectations. Most relationships thrive when communication is honest and compassionate.
Remember, healthy friendship is a shared responsibility, not a one-person performance.
If these themes are showing up in your relationships, you can read more about my approach to helping women build healthier, more connected relationships here.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State.
