Relationships can be complex. Whether you find yourself in a situation where someone seeks more from you than you’re ready to give, or you’re yearning for deeper connection while the other person remains aloof, understanding your role in shaping these dynamics is crucial. Let’s explore these scenarios with practical examples and actionable advice.

Scenario 1: When Someone Wants More from You

Imagine meeting someone new with whom you share common interests and enjoy spending time. Despite this budding connection, you hesitate to advance the relationship further. Perhaps your busy schedule or personal commitments make it challenging to invest more at this moment. Or maybe you just don’t like them.

Scenario 2: When You Want More from Someone

Conversely, picture yourself eager to strengthen a bond with someone who doesn’t reciprocate the same level of interest. This mismatch in expectations can lead to feelings of longing and disappointment as you navigate the disparity in emotional investment. Your mind is likely searching and searching for possible explanations like, “did I do something wrong?" or “they’re probably just busy.”

Know Your Friendship Values

The first step in handling such circumstances is understanding your values and needs in friendships. For instance, if quality time is crucial to you, you’ll prioritize relationships that involve regular, meaningful interactions rather than sporadic or superficial communication. Similarly, valuing consistency means seeking friends who are reliable in their interactions and commitments. Shared interests may also play a pivotal role, fostering common ground and enjoyable shared experiences.

What are your friendship values? Here’s a list to get you started, but come up with your own too.

Quality Time

Consistency

Emotional Support

Honesty

Reciprocity

Shared Interests

Loyalty

Respect

Trustworthiness

Communication

Empathy

Forgiveness

Generosity

Fun and Enjoyment

Understanding

Acceptance

Patience

Flexibility

Mutual Growth

Encouragement

Reliability

Compassion

Non-judgment

Active Listening

Constructive Feedback

Independence

Identify Behaviors that Align With Your Values

Once you’ve identified your friendship values, it’s essential to define them behaviorally. For instance, trustworthiness isn’t just about reliability and honesty. Trustworthiness is demonstrated through consistent follow-through on commitments, maintaining confidentiality with sensitive topics, and being transparent in actions to build trust.

After you’ve created your values list, write, in behavioral terms a definition next to each one.

Teach Others How to Treat You

Now that you’ve identified the specific behaviors you value in friendship, you’ll need to communicate these to your potential friend. However, it might be a little weird to just start listing all your expectations in the early stages of the relationship.

Instead, you’ll communicate what you want by demonstrating (modeling), encouraging (evoking), and supporting (reinforcing) the values-based actions you just identified. This sets clear expectations for how you wish to be treated, while also fostering mutual respect and understanding.

How to Shape Behavior in Relationships

1. Modeling: Demonstrate the behaviors you value. For example, if punctuality matters, consistently show up on time for meetings with friends.

2. Evoking: Encourage similar behaviors in others. If a friend is often late, gently remind them of agreed meeting times and express appreciation for punctuality.

3. Reinforcing: Acknowledge and reward behaviors that align with your values. When a friend shows up on time, express gratitude and highlight its significance to you.

Observing and Responding

As you navigate relationships, observe how others respond to the behaviors you model, evoke, and reinforce. This process offers insights into whether the relationship aligns with your values and needs.

If you sense an imbalance in your relationships, reflect on your role:

• Have you clearly communicated your boundaries and intentions?

• Do your actions align with your stated values, or have you unintentionally sent mixed signals?

• Are you consistent in your interactions, or have there been times of ambiguity?

• Have you considered the other person’s emotions and respected their boundaries?

• Have you unintentionally given false hope or avoided addressing mismatched expectations?

• Do you actively listen to their feelings and respond thoughtfully?

• Are you respectful of their time and emotional investment?

• Have you provided enough feedback on your level of interest in the relationship?

• Are you accountable for any unintended consequences of your actions or communication style?

Observing and responding to behaviors in relationships is a dynamic process that requires ongoing assessment and adjustment. By being mindful of how others respond to your values and needs, you empower yourself to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections.

To determine whether to deepen your commitment to a relationship or end it is your decision. The provided reflection questions can assist in this evaluation. You may realize that conflicting messages were communicated or that your attentiveness was lacking. Conversely, you might find that despite significant effort, the relationship's growth hasn't led to a satisfying outcome for you.

Allow Relationships to Evolve

Recognize that relationships naturally evolve through different phases. Life changes, such as moving or health crises, can shift priorities and levels of investment. Embrace these shifts as opportunities for growth rather than resist them.

Taking Accountability

By consistently acting on your values and needs, you clarify expectations for how others should treat you. Avoid clinging to relationships that no longer serve your needs, as this can lead to stress and impact your self-worth. Instead, embrace the strength in letting go and prioritize connections that align with your values.

Conclusion

Navigating relationships requires active participation and clarity about your desires and boundaries. When you assertively communicate your needs and take responsibility for shaping relationship dynamics, you empower yourself to create fulfilling connections. Remember, relationships are a mutual endeavor—by being mindful of your role, you pave the way for balanced and meaningful interactions in your life.

In this way, you not only enhance your own well-being but also contribute to nurturing healthier and more satisfying relationships overall.