Why Therapy Isn’t Just for You: Healing Trauma to Protect Your Relationships
Why Therapy Isn’t Just for You: Healing Trauma to Protect Your Relationships
I recently watched a snippet from Rich Roll’s conversation with Kimberly Shannon Murphy, where he dropped a truth that resonated deeply with me, both as a therapist and a person who has experienced the impacts of unhealed trauma. Rich said something along the lines of, “For people who think therapy is indulgent, it's actually an incredible act of service for the people you care about the most because trauma, unhealed, spills out in toxic ways and affects those closest to you.”
This statement couldn’t ring truer in my own life. I’ve been on both ends of this. I’ve had to create boundaries with people whose unhealed trauma was leaking out and creating chaos. But I’ve also been the one unknowingly creating unhealthy dynamics that spilled over into my relationships, leaving a trail of hurt and confusion behind. And I see this with my clients too—unhealed trauma showing up in a myriad of ways, people suffering because they aren’t aware of what’s driving their behaviors or feeling the pain of being in a relationship with someone who’s stuck in those same patterns.
Take, for example, the spouse who isn’t pulling their weight at home. They’re not lazy—they’re weighed down by trauma. Or the sister who always sides with the parents, even when it’s clear they’re doing harm. She’s not spoiled; she’s navigating deep trauma, where defying her parents feels like a threat to her very survival. It could even be the person road-raging at you—they’re not angry that you cut them off. That anger is old, coming from something that happened to them years ago, and now it’s spilling out onto you.
Trauma leaks. It seeps into everything and everyone. The good news is, it doesn’t have to stay this way. If we become aware of our trauma and how to respond to it, we’ll see less of this bad behavior, fewer broken relationships, and more compassion for ourselves and others.
How Trauma Leaked Out in My Life
Here’s a personal example of how trauma affected my relationships. Growing up, I learned to monitor the moods of my caregivers because when they were irritable or moody, they were critical of me. This vigilance shaped how I interact with people now. If I’m around someone who’s anxious or frazzled, my body tightens up, and I have an overwhelming urge to escape. My brain sees danger everywhere.
So when a friend gets anxious over something minor, my body’s response is way out of proportion to the situation. I try to change the subject or appease them, but if that doesn’t work, I start getting angry. It’s a way to protect myself from that feeling of unease. In the past, I would snap or just walk away, but I’ve learned to manage those reactions now, using self-compassion. Still, my body remembers.
Just the other day, I was in the self-checkout line at the grocery store, and the employee was darting around frantically, tidying up and hovering over everyone. His nervous energy seeped into me, and I felt the tension rise. Why did it bother me so much? Because my body saw his anxious movements as a threat, much like my caregivers used to be.
When Someone Else’s Trauma Affects You
We all know someone who isn’t very attuned to others—whether it’s the friend who dominates the conversation without realizing they haven’t asked you a single question or the person who rushes into declaring “I miss you!” when you’ve only hung out a few times. Or maybe it’s the quiet person who leaves you wondering if they’re shy or just uninterested.
In every case, what you’re seeing is likely trauma at work. The friend who overshares might be lonely and afraid of not being heard. The person moving too fast in your friendship might be trying to fill a void. The quiet one? They could be too overwhelmed by their own thoughts to reach out. It’s all trauma, leaking out in these subtle, yet profound, ways.
Why Therapy Isn’t Just for the “Sick”
There’s a misconception that therapy is only for people who are outwardly struggling. But you don’t need to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, those who are functioning well on the outside but feel something is “off” are often the ones who stand to gain the most. You might think therapy will just dig up old wounds and make things worse, but that’s not how it works. Therapy isn’t about rehashing the past. It’s about understanding the patterns that are playing out in your life today and giving you the tools to change them.
In my own work, I’ve helped clients identify trauma responses they didn’t even know they had. They’ve told me about patterns that left them feeling stuck in dead-end jobs or toxic relationships. We’ve worked together to shift those patterns, and the results have been life-changing.
What’s Keeping You Stuck?
When we talk about stuckness, we’re really talking about trauma. Maybe you’re staying in a job that drains you or maintaining a friendship that feels like it’s taking more than it’s giving. You might think you’re making rational choices, but often it’s your trauma guiding those decisions.
You’re not lazy. You’re not incapable. You’re not doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes. But you might need some help getting unstuck. Therapy can give you that help—it’s about learning how to live in alignment with your values, to create relationships that are healthy and nurturing, and to finally break free from the chains of your past.
Healing Your Trauma for the People You Love
I often hear clients say they don’t need therapy because they’re “fine.” But if you’re not willing to explore your trauma for yourself, do it for the people you love. Think about your kids, your partner, your friends, your grandkids. Your trauma affects them, even if you don’t realize it. By healing yourself, you can stop the cycle of harm and start building healthier relationships with those around you.
And for those who don’t place much value on their relationships, I’d encourage you to ask yourself, Why does this not matter to me? What’s keeping me from prioritizing the people in my life? Do I wish I cared more? If you find that you don’t care, that might be a trauma response itself—a way of protecting yourself from feeling too much. But that protection comes at a huge cost if it’s left unchecked.
Conclusion: Therapy as an Act of Love
Therapy isn’t indulgent. It’s an act of love—for yourself and for the people who matter most to you. By healing your trauma, you protect your relationships and create a life that’s in alignment with who you truly are. I encourage you to take that first step—not just for you, but for the people who care about you.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, here are a few areas I specialize in: Therapy for Women, Therapy for Chronic Illness, Therapy for Body Acceptance.
