How to Figure Out Who You Are
Have you ever fantasized about leaving your "comfortable" job, cutting all contact with the outside world, and running to some remote and romantic destination so you can "find yourself?"
We all build our lives based on some perceived sense of "self" (who we think we want to be). The desire to run away usually starts with a hefty dose of pressure or stress, making us feel like we are losing control of our life. We began to question why we were doing life this way. Everything that seemed important no longer matters. And now the overwhelming demands of our job, family, partner, etc., keep us from being able to create a different, more fulfilling life.
Perhaps you feel like you've "lost" something - your identity, a sense of self, or purpose. It's like someone else got into the driver's seat of your life, and now you're just a passenger, sitting quietly in the back seat, with no idea where this person is taking you.
Taking yourself away from these pressures and stressors might seem like a good way to feel in control. You hope to gain a better understanding of the life that you live. You hope that "finding yourself" will pave a path towards a more significant, purpose-driven life.
The Truth About Identity
The truth is that identity is culturally conditioned. Our society says you must attach to roles and labels like "mother," "wife," "CEO," "artist," or ________ [write in your favorite self-descriptor here]. It is a desire-driven way of relating to people, objects, events, situations, substances, our bodies, and even life itself.
You probably established identities from growing up and receiving attention or praise because you were the cute kid, the one who "never caused any trouble," or the responsible one. Emotional trauma and social pressures can also force us into over-identifying with a particular aspect of our identity, which drowns out other areas of our lives.
When something tragic happens (getting sick, getting a divorce, losing someone, etc.), it devastates us because we lose something we value. Our identities make us feel significant, so we stop feeling valuable when they are challenged or foiled. The event challenges our understanding of ourselves, the world, and our value. It throws us into an identity crisis.
You might find happiness sometimes, but you need to reboot it endlessly. This requires a lot of energy and is a significant cause of suffering.
Positive events can change our identity too. Having a child, getting a promotion, and buying a fancy sports car make us come to see ourselves as more responsible, more deserving, and more valuable.
It is what we choose to value in life that defines us. Identity isn't a fixed state; it's an aggregation of your values and behaviors. In other words, it's not who you are but what you do that matters.
Values - Doing What Matters
In my life, I over-identified myself with being self-sufficient and accomplished, and the validation I received from people who saw my independence and success. This made me overly attached to my work, productivity, and perfectionism. Later on, when I got very sick, it sent me spiraling into a panic. I could no longer take care of myself, let alone work 60-hour weeks.
Getting sick also helped me figure out what I really cared about, what I wanted to do more of, and what I should do less of. It helped me with prioritization.
Ironically, now that my identity isn't as invested in accomplishment and productivity, it doesn't bother me as much to ask for help, only work 4-hour days, or leave dishes in the sink. Why? Because other things are more important. My values have changed.
What do you care about? I mean, what do you really care about?
What do you want to start doing?
What do you want to stop doing?
Rather than Eat-Pray-Love your life, take time to reflect on your values and evaluate how well your values are reflected in your life. Once you're clear on your values, you'll recognize your priorities and know what to say yes or no to. Only then can you create a life aligned with what you believe is important.
