How to Work With Anger Without Letting It Take Over
When Anger Shows Up
There’s a lot to be angry about lately. The state of the world. People who disappoint us. Bodies that won’t cooperate. Life that keeps feeling harder than it should.
If you’re managing chronic stress or health challenges, anger can become a constant companion. You might even start to feel ashamed for feeling so much of it.
I used to rely on anger to get me through. When life felt unfair or out of control, anger gave me energy and direction. It made me feel powerful. But through my mindfulness practice, I began to understand what anger was really doing. It wasn’t protecting me. Tt was signaling that I was suffering. Beneath my anger was fear, grief, or helplessness. What I needed was not more fuel for the fire but compassion for the pain underneath it.
Anger Isn’t the Enemy
Anger has a purpose. It shows up when something feels wrong, unjust, or threatening. It’s a response that evolved to keep us safe.
But anger is complex. It can be useful or destructive depending on how we relate to it. When anger fuels action that protects, restores, or heals, it can create real change. Think of the righteous anger that drives social justice movements or helps someone finally set a boundary they’ve avoided for years.
The trouble begins when anger overstays its welcome. When it consumes our thoughts or makes us reactive instead of responsive. When we lash out, suppress it, or carry it around like proof that we’re in control.
Unprocessed anger eats away at peace of mind. It traps us in rumination and resentment, keeping us in constant fight-or-flight mode. Suppressed anger doesn’t disappear either—it simmers below the surface until it spills out in ways we regret.
So how do we meet anger without letting it take over?
Meeting Anger With Mindfulness and Compassion
There’s a Buddhist teaching I love that compares anger to three types of inscriptions:
Anger carved in stone stays for a long time, etched deeply and unmoved by wind or rain.
Anger written in soil softens more easily, eventually washed away by weather and time.
Anger traced in water disappears as quickly as it appears, leaving no trace behind.
The practice of mindfulness helps us move from stone to water. Instead of fighting or feeding our anger, we recognize it. We let it be seen.
Here’s a way to try this:
Take a deep breath in.
As you exhale, say quietly to yourself, “I’m noticing anger in my body.”
Notice where it lives—your chest, your jaw, your hands.
Name what it’s trying to tell you. Maybe it’s sadness, hurt, or fear.
Then thank your anger for reminding you that you are suffering. You don’t need to get rid of it. You only need to meet it with awareness.
Transforming Anger Into Wisdom
Anger loses its grip when we stop making it the enemy. When we can see the pain it protects, we open the door to understanding and healing.
Each time you pause before reacting, you’re building emotional flexibility. Each time you listen instead of suppressing or exploding, you’re turning anger into information.
It might sound strange, but anger can be a teacher. It can show you what matters most and where you still need care.
So the next time you feel yourself about to snap, try asking, What is this anger showing me about what I need? That question alone can begin to turn fire into clarity.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State.
