Dealing With Anger - A Mindful and Compassionate Approach

There’s a lot to be mad about right now: a dreadful pandemic, raging wildfires, our polarized country. If you’re managing health challenges on top of all this, you have many reasons to be angry.

I used to rely on anger when I was younger. When things didn’t go my way, my default response was rage. My mindfulness practice helped me to see that my anger was just a reminder that I was suffering. I was feeling threatened, powerless, invalidated, or disrespected. What I needed amid struggle was compassion, not anger.

Anger comes about when the world doesn’t meet our requirements. We focus on how we should be, how other people should be, and how the world should be for us to feel acceptable. It is not easy to refrain from repressing or indulging in our anger. Our challenge is to embrace it with mindfulness and genuine caring.

Anger isn’t All Bad

Although the Buddha says that anger, despair, jealousy, and delusion are poisons, these states are very subjective. Anger can be positive, and it can be destructive. We must consider the underlying motivation for your anger, the object of the emotion, the consequences of the emotion, and so on. 

For example, in some situations, compassion may give rise to anger about injustice. This type of anger may give us the energy and motivation to get things done. It may open our eyes to the suffering in the world. This kind of anger is useful because it does not seek to harm anyone. This kind of anger is worth having because it leads to right action and social change. We are seeing a lot of this kind of anger in the world right now.

However, when anger becomes impractical, the energy it brings is not helpful at all. The feelings are not destructive in themselves; they become destructive when they are out of proportion to the situation or undermine our well-being.

Anger is harmful when it creates so much inner turmoil that we lose our mental freedom or lose control of our actions.

Anger also becomes problematic when we suppress it. Suppression will aggravate and intensify anger, leaving you in a constant state of distress, until they eventually result in harmful words or actions.

When your anger is directed toward someone but does not create change, more anger, more resentment, and more fighting will result. If you feel this kind of anger, you’ve endured too much. It’s time to be compassionate with yourself.

Meeting Anger with Mindfulness and Compassion

You all know, I love a good analogy. Here’s one of my favorites:

In the Lekha Sutta, the Buddha asserts that there are three types of individuals in the world and three ways they manifest anger.

1) Like an inscription on a rock. This anger stays with you for a long time. It is not effaced by wind or water.

2) Like an inscription in soil. This is the person who’s anger does not stay with him for a long time. It is effaced by wind and water.

3) Like an inscription in water. When this individual is spoken to roughly or harshly, they remain friendly, companionable, and courteous, just as an inscription in water disappears immediately.

When we’re angry, our rage is like a protector; a friend looking after us, helping us out. This makes us to think that attaching to anger is okay.

But mindfulness does not fight anger or despair. Mindfulness helps us recognize. To be mindful of something is to recognize that something is there in the present moment. It is not an act of suppression or fighting. It is an act of noticing. Once we can pay witness to our anger, we can embrace it with awareness and tenderness.

Try this exercise: Breathe in. As you breathe out, say to yourself, “I am noticing the sensation of anger in my body. I am noticing that I’m having angry thoughts.” Then thank your anger for reminding you that you are suffering. Touch that part of you that feels vulnerable. Gently acknowledge it. You might say to it, “I see you” or give it a label like sadness, disappointment, fear, worry, or grief.

Directing anger at situations, others, or ourselves is not going to improve anything. The next time you’re on the verge of screaming your head off, become intimate with anger. Clear the path to your vulnerability and aliveness. In the end, our anger can be transformed into wisdom, which in turn gives rise to compassion.

It sounds strange, but think about anger as your teacher. If we want to become better – more patient, more loving, kinder, happier people – then we need to practice this. When you’re angry, think not about what the situation or person is doing to you, but what they’re doing for you.