Everything You Know About Self-Esteem is Bullshit

Everything You Know About Self-Esteem Is Bullshit

We’ve been told that having high self-esteem is the key to happiness, confidence, and success. But here’s the problem: self-esteem is built on a lie.

According to Wikipedia (because where else would we start), self-esteem is “an individual’s overall subjective emotional evaluation of their own worth.”

The keyword here is subjective. Which means it’s based on how you feel about yourself in a given moment.

And let’s be honest, our emotions are unstable. They rise and fall based on feedback, success, failure, and how much sleep we got last night. When self-esteem depends on these external conditions, it becomes a moving target.

So if your self-esteem goes up when someone compliments you, and down when someone criticizes you, who’s really in charge? Not you.

In that sense, all the jerks, disappointments, and rejections in your life have a say in your worth. Every bad day becomes proof that you’re not enough.

That’s not empowerment. That’s emotional outsourcing.

Why Self-Esteem Keeps You Chasing Perfection

We’re taught that confidence and self-worth come from liking ourselves. But when “liking yourself” depends on doing well, being liked, or meeting expectations, it traps you in a perfection loop.

To feel worthy, you have to keep performing.

So you work harder. You achieve more. You try to be the “good” partner, the “kind” friend, the “competent” professional. But the minute you make a mistake or disappoint someone, it all falls apart.

That’s not confidence — that’s conditional self-worth.

The Alternative: Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is a quieter, sturdier thing. It’s not about liking everything about yourself. It’s about acknowledging who you are, the good and the hard parts, without using either to measure your value.

Self-acceptance says, “I can mess up and still be worthy.”

It’s built on awareness instead of approval. You know your strengths and your flaws. You understand your patterns. You take responsibility where it’s yours and let go where it’s not.

That’s real growth — not fixing yourself, but knowing yourself.

And Then There’s Confidence

Confidence often gets lumped in with self-esteem, but they’re not the same.

Self-esteem asks, “Am I good enough?”
Confidence says, “I can figure it out.”

Confidence doesn’t rely on external validation. It’s a belief in your ability to handle whatever comes next. You don’t have to feel perfect to act with confidence. You just have to trust your capacity to adapt, learn, and recover.

Confidence grows through experience, not praise.

Let’s Redefine What Matters

The goal isn’t to have high self-esteem. It’s to have a stable sense of self that doesn’t collapse when things go wrong.

You don’t need to feel amazing about yourself all the time. You need to know who you are, accept your imperfections, and believe that you can keep going anyway.

Self-acceptance allows you to stop performing for approval. Confidence lets you take action even when you’re uncertain.

Together, they give you something self-esteem never could: freedom.

Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State.