How Your Mind Can Make You Sicker (and What to Do About It)
When Avoiding Pain Makes Things Worse
Our brains are designed for survival. They push us toward pleasure and pull us away from pain. It’s what helps us avoid touching a hot stove or stepping in front of a bus.
The problem is that we use this same instinct with our inner world. We try to avoid painful emotions and chase pleasant ones. It makes perfect sense. Who wouldn’t want to escape anxiety, grief, or anger?
But when we treat thoughts and feelings like physical threats, we create more suffering. The harder we try to avoid discomfort, the more powerful it becomes.
Why We Keep Running From Ourselves
Think about the moments in your life that mattered most—giving birth, changing careers, leaving a relationship, starting something new. Chances are those moments were filled with fear, exhaustion, and uncertainty right alongside pride or relief.
When we move toward something meaningful, discomfort usually tags along. But our minds tell us that feeling bad means something is wrong. So we pull away from the very things that make life full and purposeful.
That cycle of running from pain has a name: experiential avoidance.
What Experiential Avoidance Looks Like
Experiential avoidance happens when we work too hard to get rid of unpleasant thoughts and feelings instead of making space for them. It’s an exhausting way to live, and most of us do it without realizing it.
You might see yourself in some of these examples:
Procrastination: “I’ll deal with that tomorrow.”
Withdrawal: Skipping a gathering to avoid questions about your health or life.
Self-blame or judgment: “If I were stronger, this wouldn’t bother me.”
Catastrophizing: “Something must be terribly wrong.”
Overanalyzing: Replaying every detail of a doctor’s tone or your boss’s reaction.
Perfectionism: “If I can just do everything right, I’ll feel better.”
Distraction: Scrolling social media instead of facing an uncomfortable feeling.
Avoidance feels helpful in the short term. It gives you a moment of relief. But over time, it makes your world smaller. You start structuring your life around what you don’t want to feel instead of what you do want to build.
The Cost of Avoidance
When avoidance becomes your default coping style, you start to lose touch with what really matters. You might notice that:
Your symptoms feel worse.
Your world gets smaller because you avoid activities that bring meaning or joy.
You feel less capable and more stuck.
Your self-trust erodes.
Health habits like exercise, connection, or medication adherence fall apart.
You rely on unhealthy coping tools to get short bursts of relief.
Avoidance might protect you from pain temporarily, but it also protects you from living fully.
A Different Way: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps you break the cycle of avoidance. Instead of fighting your emotions, ACT invites you to make space for them.
The goal isn’t to get rid of symptoms—it’s to stop making your life smaller because of them. ACT teaches you to notice thoughts and feelings without letting them dictate your actions. It helps you build a life guided by your values, not by your fear of discomfort.
The truth is, there’s nothing “wrong” with feeling bad. Pain, sadness, frustration, and fear are all part of being human. They’re not signs of failure. They’re reminders that you’re alive and that you care.
You can start small. Try this question the next time you catch yourself avoiding something: “What value might I be moving away from right now?”
That one reflection can begin to shift you from avoidance to awareness.
Exploring how these themes resonate in your own life? Therapy can be a place to unpack, find clarity, and move forward in a way that feels true to you. If you’re interested in seeing how we might work together, please review my specializations in the “Specializations” menu at the top of the page. I provide therapy to women in Bainbridge Island and across Washington State. Get Started Today
